Coming out to someone can be exhilarating, nerve-wracking, painful, upsetting, or wonderful. It’s essential to find someone who makes you feel comfortable and safe at the end of it. Everyone has a different coming out story, and reactions vary.
To ensure support, avoid asking questions that can be undermining or problematic. When someone has just come out, it’s like an awkward game show where everyone is expected to play and this where this is where things to never say to someone who just came out come in to play.
Think of it as a human PowerPoint presentation, filled with emotions, confessions, and hopes for understanding. Don’t make it about you, and don’t make it about you. Instead, focus on the person’s journey and avoid making it about you. Remember, the spotlight isn’t on you, so don’t make it about you.
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Just Came Out
- Are you sure?
- This question invalidates the individual’s self-discovery process and can make them doubt themselves.
- This question invalidates the individual’s self-discovery process and can make them doubt themselves.
- It’s just a phase.
- This minimizes their experience and dismisses their identity as temporary.
- This minimizes their experience and dismisses their identity as temporary.
- I knew it all along.
- Even if true, this statement can feel like a betrayal of trust and diminishes the person’s agency in their own narrative.
- Even if true, this statement can feel like a betrayal of trust and diminishes the person’s agency in their own narrative.
- Who’s the ‘man’ or ‘woman’ in the relationship?
- Assumes heteronormative roles and undermines the complexity of same-sex relationships.
- Assumes heteronormative roles and undermines the complexity of same-sex relationships.
- Have you tried being with the opposite sex?
- Implies that their sexuality is a choice or can be changed, which is both disrespectful and untrue.
- Implies that their sexuality is a choice or can be changed, which is both disrespectful and untrue.
- What will your parents think?
- This question can invoke unnecessary fear and pressure regarding family acceptance.
- This question can invoke unnecessary fear and pressure regarding family acceptance.
- Can I watch?
- This is objectifying and disrespectful, reducing someone’s identity to a form of entertainment.
- This is objectifying and disrespectful, reducing someone’s identity to a form of entertainment.
- So, you’re gay. Do you also have HIV/AIDS?
- This associates sexual orientation with disease and perpetuates harmful stereotypes.
- This associates sexual orientation with disease and perpetuates harmful stereotypes.
- You don’t look [insert sexual orientation].
- Sexuality isn’t always visible, and this comment suggests there’s a specific way someone should look based on their orientation.
- Sexuality isn’t always visible, and this comment suggests there’s a specific way someone should look based on their orientation.
- I don’t have a problem with it, but…
- This “but” can invalidate the initial statement and reveal underlying discomfort or prejudice.
- This “but” can invalidate the initial statement and reveal underlying discomfort or prejudice.
- Does this mean you’re attracted to me?
- Assumes that their orientation affects how they perceive and interact with everyone, which is not the case.
- Assumes that their orientation affects how they perceive and interact with everyone, which is not the case.
- It’s against God’s will.
- Imposing religious beliefs can be hurtful and dismissive of the individual’s identity and beliefs.
- Imposing religious beliefs can be hurtful and dismissive of the individual’s identity and beliefs.
- You’re just confused.
- Invalidates their feelings and undermines the complexity of sexual orientation and identity.
- Invalidates their feelings and undermines the complexity of sexual orientation and identity.
- I’m okay with it as long as you don’t hit on me.
- Assumes that the person will behave inappropriately based on their orientation and sets up unnecessary boundaries.
- Assumes that the person will behave inappropriately based on their orientation and sets up unnecessary boundaries.
- Can you change?
- Suggests that their orientation is a problem to be fixed rather than a valid aspect of their identity.
- Suggests that their orientation is a problem to be fixed rather than a valid aspect of their identity.
- Let’s keep this between us.
- Implies that being open about their orientation is something to be ashamed of or hidden.
- Implies that being open about their orientation is something to be ashamed of or hidden.
- But you were with [opposite gender] before.
- Past relationships don’t define someone’s current orientation, and this comment dismisses their present reality.
- Past relationships don’t define someone’s current orientation, and this comment dismisses their present reality.
- It’s just a phase; you’ll grow out of it.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that it’s not valid or permanent.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that it’s not valid or permanent.
- Don’t tell anyone else; it might ruin your reputation.
- Encourages secrecy and shame around their identity, which can be damaging to their mental health.
- Encourages secrecy and shame around their identity, which can be damaging to their mental health.
- Are you sure you’re not just doing this for attention?
- Invalidates their experience and suggests they’re being disingenuous about their identity.
- Invalidates their experience and suggests they’re being disingenuous about their identity.
- I don’t believe in that lifestyle.
- Reduces their identity to a lifestyle choice, ignoring the complexities of sexual orientation.
- Reduces their identity to a lifestyle choice, ignoring the complexities of sexual orientation.
- Are you the ‘man’ or ‘woman’ in the relationship?
- Assumes heteronormative roles and ignores the fluidity of roles in same-sex relationships.
- Assumes heteronormative roles and ignores the fluidity of roles in same-sex relationships.
- You’re too pretty/handsome to be [insert orientation].
- Implies that attractiveness should correlate with sexual orientation, which is untrue and irrelevant.
- Implies that attractiveness should correlate with sexual orientation, which is untrue and irrelevant.
- I’m fine with it, but don’t tell anyone else.
- This statement implies that their orientation is something shameful or unacceptable to others.
- This statement implies that their orientation is something shameful or unacceptable to others.
- I knew someone who was gay, and they were really messed up.
- Generalizing based on one person’s experience is harmful and perpetuates stereotypes.
- Generalizing based on one person’s experience is harmful and perpetuates stereotypes.
- Can I ask personal questions about your sex life?
- This invades their privacy and reduces their identity to their sexual behavior.
- This invades their privacy and reduces their identity to their sexual behavior.
- Why do you have to talk about it all the time?
- Invalidates their need to express their identity and experiences, which can be crucial for self-acceptance and understanding.
- Invalidates their need to express their identity and experiences, which can be crucial for self-acceptance and understanding.
- Do you think it’s because of your upbringing?
- Blames their sexual orientation on external factors rather than accepting it as a natural aspect of who they are.
- Blames their sexual orientation on external factors rather than accepting it as a natural aspect of who they are.
- I don’t want you to influence my kids.
- Assumes that their orientation is harmful or inappropriate for children to be exposed to.
- Assumes that their orientation is harmful or inappropriate for children to be exposed to.
- So, you’re one of those LGBT people?
- Reduces their identity to a category and can come across as dismissive or judgmental.
- Reduces their identity to a category and can come across as dismissive or judgmental.
- I don’t have a problem with gay people, but I don’t want them near my children.
- Implies that their orientation makes them a danger to children, which is unfounded and discriminatory.
- Implies that their orientation makes them a danger to children, which is unfounded and discriminatory.
- Can you choose not to be gay?
- Suggests that their orientation is a choice rather than an inherent aspect of their identity.
- Suggests that their orientation is a choice rather than an inherent aspect of their identity.
- I’m okay with it, as long as you don’t act gay around me.
- This implies discomfort with their authentic self-expression and sets up unnecessary boundaries.
- This implies discomfort with their authentic self-expression and sets up unnecessary boundaries.
- I don’t agree with your lifestyle.
- Reduces their orientation to a lifestyle choice rather than a fundamental aspect of who they are.
- Reduces their orientation to a lifestyle choice rather than a fundamental aspect of who they are.
- You’re too young to know.
- Invalidates their self-awareness and suggests that their feelings are not legitimate.
- Invalidates their self-awareness and suggests that their feelings are not legitimate.
- Does this mean you’re attracted to every person of the same gender?
- Assumes that sexual orientation is solely about physical attraction and oversimplifies it.
- Assumes that sexual orientation is solely about physical attraction and oversimplifies it.
- I don’t mind if you’re gay, but keep it to yourself.
- Implies that their orientation is something to be hidden or ashamed of.
- Implies that their orientation is something to be hidden or ashamed of.
- I accept you, but I don’t agree with your lifestyle.
- Conditional acceptance is not true acceptance and can be hurtful.
- Conditional acceptance is not true acceptance and can be hurtful.
- Have you considered therapy to fix this?
- Suggests that their orientation is a problem to be fixed rather than a valid aspect of who they are.
- Suggests that their orientation is a problem to be fixed rather than a valid aspect of who they are.
- Are you sure you’re not just confused?
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are not valid or real.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are not valid or real.
- I’ll pray for you to change.
- Implies that their orientation is sinful or wrong and disregards their autonomy.
- Implies that their orientation is sinful or wrong and disregards their autonomy.
- You just haven’t found the right person of the opposite gender yet.
- Invalidates their current feelings and suggests that their orientation is temporary.
- Invalidates their current feelings and suggests that their orientation is temporary.
- Can you be attracted to both genders?
- Assumes that bisexuality is not a valid orientation and perpetuates stereotypes.
- Assumes that bisexuality is not a valid orientation and perpetuates stereotypes.
- I don’t have a problem with it, but I don’t want to see it.
- Implies discomfort with their authentic expression and sets up unnecessary boundaries.
- Implies discomfort with their authentic expression and sets up unnecessary boundaries.
- You’re gay? That’s hot.
- Fetishizes their identity and reduces it to a sexual fantasy.
- Fetishizes their identity and reduces it to a sexual fantasy.
- Does this mean you’ll start dressing differently?
- Implies that their orientation should dictate their appearance, which is not true.
- Implies that their orientation should dictate their appearance, which is not true.
- You’re too feminine/masculine to be gay/lesbian.
- Associates specific traits with sexual orientation, which is both inaccurate and harmful.
- Associates specific traits with sexual orientation, which is both inaccurate and harmful.
- Are you sure you’re not just going through a phase?
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are not valid or permanent.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are not valid or permanent.
- I don’t care if you’re gay, just don’t hit on me.
- Can you turn straight for me?
- Implies that their orientation is a choice and disregards their identity.
- Implies that their orientation is a choice and disregards their identity.
- It’s just a lifestyle choice.
- Reduces their orientation to a preference rather than a fundamental aspect of who they are.
- Reduces their orientation to a preference rather than a fundamental aspect of who they are.
- You should keep this from your grandparents.
- You don’t look gay/lesbian/bisexual.
- Assumes that sexual orientation has a specific look and undermines the diversity within the LGBTQ+ community.
- Assumes that sexual orientation has a specific look and undermines the diversity within the LGBTQ+ community.
- I accept you, but I don’t support your lifestyle.
- You’re not gay, you’re just going through a phase.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are temporary.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are temporary.
- Why do you have to make everything about your sexuality?
- Invalidates their need to express their identity and experiences, which are integral to their self-understanding.
- Invalidates their need to express their identity and experiences, which are integral to their self-understanding.
- I don’t have a problem with gay people, as long as they keep it to themselves.
- Implies that their orientation is something to be hidden or ashamed of.
- Implies that their orientation is something to be hidden or ashamed of.
- Have you tried not being gay?
- Suggests that their orientation is a choice rather than a fundamental aspect of who they are.
- Suggests that their orientation is a choice rather than a fundamental aspect of who they are.
- You’re gay? That’s so trendy right now.
- Reduces their identity to a trend and trivializes their experience.
- Reduces their identity to a trend and trivializes their experience.
- It’s just a phase; you’ll grow out of it.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are temporary or invalid.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are temporary or invalid.
- I don’t understand why you have to label yourself.
- Invalidates their need for self-identification and belonging within the LGBTQ+ community.
- Invalidates their need for self-identification and belonging within the LGBTQ+ community.
- So, you’re gay now?
- Implies that their orientation is a recent development rather than a valid aspect of who they are.
- Implies that their orientation is a recent development rather than a valid aspect of who they are.
- I’m okay with it, but don’t flaunt it.
- You’re just confused.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are not legitimate.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are not legitimate.
- I don’t mind if you’re gay, just don’t talk about it.
- Implies that their orientation is something to be hidden or ashamed of.
- Implies that their orientation is something to be hidden or ashamed of.
- Are you sure it’s not just a phase?
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are temporary or invalid.
- Invalidates their identity and suggests that their feelings are temporary or invalid.
- I accept you, but I don’t agree with your lifestyle.
- Conditional acceptance is not true acceptance and can be hurtful.
- Conditional acceptance is not true acceptance and can be hurtful.
- I love you, but I can’t accept this.
- Conditional love based on acceptance of their orientation is hurtful and damaging to their self-worth. Conditional acceptance is not true acceptance and can be hurtful.
- Conditional love based on acceptance of their orientation is hurtful and damaging to their self-worth. Conditional acceptance is not true acceptance and can be hurtful.
Supporting someone who has just come out is crucial for their well-being and sense of acceptance. Here are some positive actions you can take to support them:
- Listen actively: Allow them to express themselves without judgment or interruption. Let them share their feelings and experiences at their own pace.
- Offer reassurance: Let them know that you support them and that you’re there for them, no matter what. Reassure them that their identity is valid and respected.
- Educate yourself: Take the initiative to learn more about LGBTQ+ issues, terminology, and challenges. This will help you understand their experiences better and be a more supportive ally.
- Respect their privacy: Understand that coming out can be a deeply personal process. Respect their confidentiality and only share their identity with others if they’ve given you permission to do so.
- Use affirming language: Use language that affirms their identity and avoids assumptions or stereotypes. Refer to them by their chosen name and pronouns, and avoid using outdated or offensive terms.
- Be patient: Coming out can be a challenging and ongoing process. Be patient and understanding as they navigate their identity and any challenges they may face.
- Celebrate their bravery: Acknowledge the courage it took for them to come out and celebrate this important milestone in their life.
- Offer practical support: Offer to accompany them to LGBTQ+ events or support groups if they’re interested. Help them connect with resources or organizations that provide support for LGBTQ+ individuals.
- Respect their boundaries: Respect their boundaries and preferences regarding their identity and how they choose to express it. Avoid pressuring them to disclose more than they’re comfortable with.
- Stand up for them: If you witness discrimination or prejudice against them, speak up and advocate for their rights and dignity.
- Be a positive role model: Show your support through your actions and words, and be a positive example of allyship to others.
- Offer emotional support: Be there to listen, offer encouragement, and provide a shoulder to lean on during difficult times. Let them know that they’re not alone and that you care about their well-being.
Remember that each person’s coming out journey is unique, so it’s essential to tailor your support to their individual needs and preferences. By being understanding, respectful, and supportive, you can make a significant difference in their experience of coming out.
