70 Funny Quotes About Marriage And Divorce For The Sweet And Bitter Experience

In successful long-term marriages, both partners need humor to make the relationship last. Humor can help alleviate the pain of separation and bring out the witty side of each other.

This is why there are many funny quotes about marriage and divorce that can be used in various situations, such as weddings, speeches, and speeches.

Funny marriage quotes are relatable and can be used to guarantee laughter in speeches or readings without making jokes about a particular person. These quotes cover topics such as love, money, divorce, and the complexities of love and money. They provide a treasure trove of humorous observations about marriage, from rib-tickling jabs at husbands to witty musings on the complexities of love and money.

A happy marriage is far from perfect, and married life is often filled with hilarious moments. These funny marriage quotes are ideal for couples who understand each other’s quirks and are sure their partner won’t turn into a Hulk. However, these quotes should be used in a light-hearted way and not used as a method to upset your partner.

Divorce is not a joke, but it can be difficult to laugh when two people are fighting over money, property, and kids. Humor helps alleviate the pain of separation and brings out your witty side. If you are going through a difficult divorce, make room for humor in your heart and find ways to vent your disappointment.

40 Funny Quotes About Marriage

  1. “Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” – Jerry Seinfeld

  2. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” – Stephanie Ortiz

  3. “In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” – Robert Anderson

  4. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

  5. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash

  6. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

  7. “Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.” – Minnie Pearl

  8. “Marriage is like a game of twister. After a while, it’s all about finding a comfortable position and hoping you don’t fall.” – Unknown

  9. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft

  10. “Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.” – Helen Rowland

  11. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck

  12. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.” – Unknown

  13. “The four most beautiful words in our common language: ‘I told you so.'” – Gore Vidal

  14. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.'” – Unknown

  15. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

  16. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry the trash out.” – Joyce Brothers

  17. “Marriage is like a fine wine; if tended to properly, it only gets better with age. However, if left to sour, it becomes undrinkable.” – Unknown

  18. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip

  19. “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.” – Max Kauffman

  20. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

  21. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

  22. “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” – Unknown

  23. “After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.” – Barack Obama

  24. “Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.” – Unknown

  25. “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams

  26. “Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to come out.” – Unknown

  27. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henry Youngman

  28. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Unknown

  29. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” – George Bernard Shaw

  30. “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Oscar Wilde

  31. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx

  32. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” – Evelyn Hendrickson

  33. “Marriage is like a game of poker. In the beginning, you have two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.” – Unknown

  34. “Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” – Mae West

  35. “Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” – Irwin Corey

  36. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne

  37. “Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!” – Michelle Obama

    “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” – Unknown

  38. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” – H. L. Mencken

  39. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” – Cher

  40. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.” – Socrates

30 Funny Quotes About Divorce

  1. “Divorce is the price men pay for playing with matches.” – Yiddish Proverb

  2. For sale! One wedding dress … worn once by mistake.” – Unknown

  3. “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.” – Zsa Zsa

  4. “Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.” – Rita Mae Brown

  5. “Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it.” – Mary Kay Blakely

  6. “Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.” – Helen Rowland

  7. “Divorce is a game played by lawyers.” – Cary Grant

  8. “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.” – Billy Crystal

  9. “I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” – Bette Davis

  10. “I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow.” – Roseanne Barr

  11. “Divorce is the sacrament of adultery.” – French Proverb

  12. When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.” – Helen Rowland

  13. “A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.” – Jean Kerr

  14. “The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.” – Woody Allen

  15. “My wife and I tried to be happy for 20 years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

  16. “Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers.” – Gerald F. Lieberman

  17. “Divorce is a game show where you win exactly what you lost.” – Jean Kerr

  18. “She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” – Tommy Manville

  19. I can’t get divorced because I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.” – Lenny Clarke

  20. “Divorce is the grand finale of the legal fireworks display.” – George Jessel

  21. “Divorce is the legal version of amputation.” – Katherine Woodward Thomas

  22.  “What did your husband do to make you leave him? He breathed.” – Pamela Hamilton

  23. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Henny Youngman

  24. “Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.” – Dave Barry

  25. “Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce….?” – Josh Stern

  26. “Divorce is a fire exit. When a house is burning, it doesn’t matter who set the fire. If there is no fire exit, everyone in the house will be burned!” – Mehmet Murat Ildan

  27. “Divorce is a declaration of war, especially when children are involved.” – Judy Ford

  28. Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

  29. “Instead of getting married again, I’m just going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” – Lewis Grizzard

  30. “Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is a piece of paper.” – Taylor Jenkins Reid

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